Gossiper--The Subtle Bully

There's a lot of talk about bullying these days. The media, the government, the schools--everyone is trying to find a way to cut back on bullying. And with good reason. We have all probably read the articles about the tragic suicides that happen around the country as a result of being bullied. I remember my years in public school. I had it a lot better than some, but there were times I was picked on. This happened mostly in middle school, which seems to be the time in life where sweet, normal children suddenly morph into something horrible. I remember the feelings that being bullied brought on: hopelessness, rejection, unworthiness--and I remember at times just wishing time could speed up and I could be an adult. Because everyone knows that adults don't bully.

I have since learned, however, that bullying does exist in the adult world. Just like for kids, it happens at our meetings, on the playground, on the Internet, and even in our churches. It mostly goes by the innocuous name of "gossip," but really it's just a more subtle way of bullying.

Bullying, as defined on stopbullying.gov, is "aggressive behavior...that involves a real or perceived power imbalance." I thought that was also a great definition of gossip. In fact, gossip is included on the website as being part of "social bullying" or "relational bullying." It includes things such as spreading rumors about someone, telling people not to be friends with someone, or purposely embarrassing someone in front of others.

I never wanted to be a bully. Even when I was in middle school, I really tried not to be a part of making fun of others. Not that I didn't occasionally laugh at someone's expense or make a quip or two to try to be popular, but I didn't want to be considered a bully.

But as an adult, I have been guilty of being a "social bully" by participating in gossip. Of course, at the time, I didn't consider it gossiping. I certainly didn't consider it bullying. But looking back, I realize that it was exactly what I was doing.

When I was gossiping, I was setting a "perceived power imbalance." I was talking about someone else while thinking I was better than them. My discussion of other people's faults (or "perceived" faults) somehow made me think higher of myself. Maybe I could forget my own faults, for a little while, if I was focusing on someone else.

When I was listening to gossip, I would think, "Thank goodness I'm not like that." Again, a perceived imbalance of power. Which is really another word for pride. Which is a sin. So, I have to come to the conclusion that...(wait for it)...gossip is a sin. (GASP)

I know, I know, it's obvious, right? But for so many years I refused to see it how it is. How it grieves God. No matter what you call it, when you are talking about one person's faults to other people, no matter what you think your motives are, you are sinning. And I'm talking to myself here. I was in the wrong. I have repented, and I know I'm forgiven. I am sorry for the times I have gossiped, and I am sorry for the times I have listened to gossip. I know I will do it again, although I'm trying not to. The hard thing about gossip is that it's a habit, and it's hard to stop. It becomes so much a part of life that you are immune to it. I honestly think we are oblivious to it much of the time. I'm honestly not trying to point fingers at anyone (except myself). I wish I had been aware of it so much sooner. Now, when I'm talking about someone else to anyone else, I try to pay attention to what I'm saying, so it doesn't turn into gossip.

Ephesians 4:29 states, " Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." I'm pretty sure gossip is "corrupt communication," and it certainly doesn't minister grace or edify. Let's open our eyes and ears to the truth, and let's not be adult bullies. 

Degrees of Grief?

Which is worse, losing a spouse or losing a child? Losing a parent or losing a sibling? Having a miscarriage or stillbirth or losing a child shortly after birth?

Years ago, when I thought about these kinds of questions, there was always an answer in my mind of what kind of losses I thought would be the hardest. But as I have experienced life, and experienced several different kinds of losses, I have decided that you can't compare these kinds of events. Every loss is different and hard in its own way.

I have lost friends, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I have lost a daughter and a father and a father-in-law. And although there are a few of these events that impacted and changed my life more than others, each loss has hurt and I don't want to minimize the pain from one by comparing it to the others.

When we hear someone's tragic news, it is only natural to compare their circumstances with something we have experienced ourselves. If we haven't experienced something similar, we imagine what it would be like. If we have, we sympathize and remember our own grief. What we should never do, however, is to treat their loss as less than what we have gone through. Implying that "they could have it worse" is never helpful.

After I lost my daughter, I was comforted by the presence of her twin sister who survived. I didn't leave the hospital with empty arms. I still had a baby to take care of. And it really was a comfort and a help. But I didn't want or need to hear that from other people. To me, when someone pointed out how lucky I was to still have one daughter, it seemed to be trivializing the loss I suffered. I was glad I had Adrianna--but I wanted Naomi, too! Still having a living child did not take away the suffering of having a dead one!

We received many letters and cards, and most were sensitive and comforting. I remember one card we received in the mail that kind of made me mad, though. It was from someone we didn't even know, and on it was a crude drawing of a baby angel. I don't remember if there was more on it, but I remember being really upset. I have no idea what the motive of the card-sender was. Probably he/she thought it was a comforting thought. But it bugged me, and I still think about it, almost 7 years later. 

All suffering is different. And all suffering is personal. I don't pretend to understand what I don't, and I try to be careful what I say to a suffering person. And I've concluded that there are no "degrees" of suffering. I haven't suffered more or less than others; I don't want to be viewed as someone who has had a harder life than someone else. Each of our paths are unique, but ultimately, in the end, if we know the One who died to take away ALL suffering, we will all be equal in our joy.

Worth A Fight?

Feeding on demand? Feeding on a schedule? Co-sleeping? Crying it out? Infant potty training?

These are some of the things parents of infants consider when deciding on how they are going to parent their infants. Going into parenting the first time, I knew that there were many different methods to choose from, and different interpretations of those methods. What I didn't realize until recently is that there are some serious hard feelings and anger flowing from certain people toward those practicing differing parenting styles.

Raising children is confusing. At least it is for me. I like to read and research before doing things, and in my research on parenting I came across a ton of information. There are so many parenting "experts" out there, and they all seem to say something different. Even among Christians there are differences of opinions on the best way to raise an infant.

One of the biggest controversies that I have seen has to do with infant feeding. With my firstborn, I tried to nurse him every time he cried. I would nurse him until he fell asleep, and then he would wake up about 45 minutes later and I would nurse him again. He would fall asleep nursing again, and then 30 minutes later wake up, etc. This went on for a while, and honestly, I was convinced I was never going to have another baby. I know it was a selfish thought, but I didn't know how I would cope on being able to sleep only 45 minutes at a time. I didn't know what to do. Then I discovered a book called "On Becoming Babywise." I read the book and started to try out the method in the book. And it was amazing! Within a week or so, my son was going two hours between feedings, then 2 and a half hours, and then three hours; and taking real naps. He was sleeping several hours at a time at night, and very soon he was sleeping through the night.

I know now that "Babywise" is a highly controversial subject among parents and doctors. I was shocked when I started reading reports of babies failing to thrive because they followed the book. I really don't understand it, because I have read the book several times, and the book clearly states in at least a few places that you should never ignore hunger cues. What that means is that if your baby is hungry before the scheduled time, feed him. The schedule they recommend is not meant to be followed above all else--it is a guideline to help a baby regulate his hunger cycles. If someone ignores their baby's hunger signals and refuses to feed him until the scheduled time, and the baby loses weight because of it, I don't understand how the book can be blamed.

Any method of parenting can be taken out-of-context or taken too far, but that doesn't mean the method itself isn't helpful or valid. For example, there are a lot of parents who believe it is best for a baby to be "worn" in a sling for many hours a day. People have written books and articles advising this, suggesting that it will calm and soothe the baby and help the baby cry less. Well, someone could interpret that to mean that a baby should be worn at all times, even while cooking or fixing a fire on a wood stove. The infant could be burned, and the parent could blame the author of the book or website. A parent's ignorance or misuse of a certain method really shouldn't be blamed on the method itself. Read with discretion, and trust your instincts. If you are uncomfortable with a certain method of doing something, you probably shouldn't do it.

I don't know, personally, about the theology of the authors of the Babywise books. I only know that the method in the books worked for me. My point is that there are differences in parenting styles, and attacking other people for raising their children in a way that is different from you doesn't help. Don't tell someone that they shouldn't be a parent--share your wisdom and experience, and allow others to do the same.

Review Time! Reading Eggs.

I recently discovered the opportunity to review a website in exchange for getting a 3-month free subscription. It is an exciting website called Reading Eggs. I came across this opportunity on a website entitled "The Homeschool Lounge," which I absolutely love. But this review is not about that. I'll save that for a separate post.

Reading Eggs is an online "teach your kids to read" site for children ages 3-13. I was excited to be able to try this since I have three kids in that age category. I was especially excited for Noah, my 3-year-old, to try it. And try it he did. He loves the site and wants to do it for hours every day. And I have to say that I love the site, too. In the month he has been using it, he has (honestly) learned how to read. The site really works!

To be honest, he was close to reading before we tried Reading Eggs. He has known his letter names and sounds since before he turned 3. I haven't had the time to sit down with him to help him to learn how to sound out words, though, and since he is so young, I wasn't in a hurry to. The great thing about Reading Eggs is that it has a placement test for the child to do before being assigned a level to start. Noah started at map 1, the first level, but quickly flew through the lessons.

Reading Eggs works so well because not only is it educational, it is also fun. The child earns "eggs" by doing the lessons and reading the books at the end of the lesson. The eggs can be cashed in to play fun games, add fun accessories to the child's avatar, or to purchase furniture for the avatar's "house." When Noah runs out of eggs to do the "fun" stuff, he says, "Oh, I betta do mo' lessons so I can get mo' eggs!" This keeps him motivated to do the more educated parts of the website.

I also love the fact that this website uses a phonics-based method of teaching to read, which I personally think is very important.

My two older children love this site, too. Thane is 7 and Adrianna is 6, and both are good readers. The second level of the site, called "Reading Express," has more advanced lessons which involve spelling, grammar, and reading comprehension. It also has more advanced books for the children to read to earn their eggs. My older kids enjoy both the Reading Eggs and Reading Express sections of the site, and I love that they are practicing and improving their reading skills.

Another great thing about the site is that they do progress reports to show the parents what the child has accomplished. It also shows the child's "reading age" and "comprehension age" based on the lessons they complete. Noah, so far, is at a 4.75 reading age and has learned 37 phonic skills. And he knows 4 sight words. He has learned to sound out the "at" words (cat, sat, hat, fat, etc.), "am" words (Sam, am, ham) and can recognize which word is which in simple sentences. At he is only 3.

Overall, I think this is fun, educational, and worthwhile website. I am particular about what my children spend time online doing, and this site is one I don't mind them spending time on. There is a fee for purchasing a subscription, but it is pretty reasonable. Definitely worth it if you are able to spend money on a preschool reading curriculum. One word of caution, though: for those parents who are strict about the beat of music they are comfortable with, there may be a few songs that have a bit of a "rock and roll" feel to them. Other than that, this is a site that I highly recommend to help your children learn to read and improve their reading skills.

"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me … Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me." -Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs, the wildly-successful genius behind the wildly-successful Apple company, passed away this week. According to the above statement, which he made back in 1993, his goal wasn't to be the richest man in the cemetery when he died. He wanted to "do something wonderful," make a difference. And I commend him on that. He certainly was successful, at least in the eyes of the world. But I have to wonder, how much of that success counted for eternity?

I'm not trying to minimize the things Steve Jobs accomplished during his life. And I admire the fact that money was not his main objective. But then I think of the missionaries who spend their lives with poor people, living in poverty themselves, to spread the truth of the love of Jesus and the importance of eternity. Or of people who work dangerous jobs, who put themselves at risk for their country or fellow man, so that someone else might have a chance to discover the importance of eternity. Or the single mothers who work two jobs and never go out, but spend their (limited) free time teaching their children to love Jesus and others. These are people who will not be famous. Millions of people will not be informed when they die, and their accomplishments will not be published on Wikipedia. They certainly will not be the richest people in the cemetery.

But they surely will be among he richest people in eternity.

As author and speaker Randy Alcorn says, life is a dot. It starts, it ends. Eternity is an unending line extending from that dot. We should be living for the line.

Being the richest person in the cemetery shouldn't matter. But I hope I'm among the richest people in eternity.

"Trust, Hope, Pray" by Luke and Trisha Priebe

Waiting. Few things are harder than waiting. For me, the hardest things for me to wait for was my wedding and later, at the end of my pregnancies, for the birth of my babies.

My friends Luke and Trisha know about waiting. They have been waiting for over two years to bring home their son from Thailand. Every time I think of that, I remember waiting the nine months (or less) for my babies, and I can't even imagine having to wait two years or more!

As they started their adoption journey, they noticed that there were not many good, new resources on learning how to wait. So they wrote the book, "Trust, Hope, Pray: Encouragement for the Task of Waiting," to encourage others who have faced the challenge of having to wait.

I have not read the book yet. Ironically, I have been very impatient while waiting to be able to buy this book! Fortunately, today is payday so I can order the book and stop waiting to learn how to wait!

I encourage anyone who has ever had to wait for anything to check out this book. I will try to post a review after I read it. I am excited for many reasons. I love to read, so the idea of reading a new book is always exciting. I am excited about this book especially, though, because I know Luke and Trisha personally. Trisha is an excellent writer and Luke and Trisha are wonderful, inspiring people.

I also encourage you to check out Trisha's website, www.househoncho.com. It is an excellent website dedicated to helping homemakers show love to their families through caring for their homes.