Degrees of Grief?

Which is worse, losing a spouse or losing a child? Losing a parent or losing a sibling? Having a miscarriage or stillbirth or losing a child shortly after birth?

Years ago, when I thought about these kinds of questions, there was always an answer in my mind of what kind of losses I thought would be the hardest. But as I have experienced life, and experienced several different kinds of losses, I have decided that you can't compare these kinds of events. Every loss is different and hard in its own way.

I have lost friends, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I have lost a daughter and a father and a father-in-law. And although there are a few of these events that impacted and changed my life more than others, each loss has hurt and I don't want to minimize the pain from one by comparing it to the others.

When we hear someone's tragic news, it is only natural to compare their circumstances with something we have experienced ourselves. If we haven't experienced something similar, we imagine what it would be like. If we have, we sympathize and remember our own grief. What we should never do, however, is to treat their loss as less than what we have gone through. Implying that "they could have it worse" is never helpful.

After I lost my daughter, I was comforted by the presence of her twin sister who survived. I didn't leave the hospital with empty arms. I still had a baby to take care of. And it really was a comfort and a help. But I didn't want or need to hear that from other people. To me, when someone pointed out how lucky I was to still have one daughter, it seemed to be trivializing the loss I suffered. I was glad I had Adrianna--but I wanted Naomi, too! Still having a living child did not take away the suffering of having a dead one!

We received many letters and cards, and most were sensitive and comforting. I remember one card we received in the mail that kind of made me mad, though. It was from someone we didn't even know, and on it was a crude drawing of a baby angel. I don't remember if there was more on it, but I remember being really upset. I have no idea what the motive of the card-sender was. Probably he/she thought it was a comforting thought. But it bugged me, and I still think about it, almost 7 years later. 

All suffering is different. And all suffering is personal. I don't pretend to understand what I don't, and I try to be careful what I say to a suffering person. And I've concluded that there are no "degrees" of suffering. I haven't suffered more or less than others; I don't want to be viewed as someone who has had a harder life than someone else. Each of our paths are unique, but ultimately, in the end, if we know the One who died to take away ALL suffering, we will all be equal in our joy.